Mish Mash Life

 

DON'T waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

 

CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a p*ss before the film starts.

 

RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

 

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.

 

RED WINE DRINKERS Worried that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night of drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.

 

SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.

 

MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

 

BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.

 

EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.

 

MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.

 

GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.

 

BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.

 

BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

 

ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

 

DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

 

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.

 

CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

 

MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

 

JEREMY Beadle When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks.

 

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

 

SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.

 

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

 

ALCOHOLICS don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

 

McDonald’s Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

...and with it comes a new blog. 

 

 

 

 

When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.

Blaming your farts on me... not funny.

Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!!

How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat?)

Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. (Exactly whose walk is this anyway?)

Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose.....stop it. I mean..........c'mon already!.

Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?

Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

Dog sweaters. Have you noticed my fur?

Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

When you insist on picking up the piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?

Taking me to the vet for ?the big snip?, then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back there.

The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. Wow, you fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us?

...... and it looks like we'll be going over to Sweden for 10 days. Maya will get to meet the rest of the family & friends, so i'm sure that we'll have a lot of photos to post when we get back.

 

On a matter closer to home now, i've never felt the urge or need to watch any of the Big Brother shows in the past, yet this time i'm cheering for someone to win (and even voting). I'm sure that it has something to do with Sara having the show on E4 nearly all the time. (She even told me that during the day she leaves it on to let Maya think we have people in the house)

 

 

Anyway, time to get voting people.

	text EUGENE to 64404 (35p plus your STD network rate)
	call 09016 16 16 14 (calls cost 35p, mobile and other network rates may vary)
	hit your red button to vote on digital cable and satellite TV (votes cost 35p)

Just Click on the picture below.